Comments on: On Romance http://bevear.org/2009/07/on-romance/ Nathan's blog Wed, 08 Sep 2010 01:44:24 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6 By: Nato http://bevear.org/2009/07/on-romance/#comment-1775 Nato Wed, 02 Sep 2009 23:22:42 +0000 http://bevear.org/?p=134#comment-1775 Really good comment, I think it hits the nail on the head. The fantasy of being needed can be quite seductive, yet somehow, a little bit of it is good for a relationship. Really good comment, I think it hits the nail on the head. The fantasy of being needed can be quite seductive, yet somehow, a little bit of it is good for a relationship.

]]> By: KT http://bevear.org/2009/07/on-romance/#comment-1768 KT Wed, 02 Sep 2009 14:11:46 +0000 http://bevear.org/?p=134#comment-1768 Well, I'm a total sucker for feeling needed. But it turns out that being with someone who was totally fine without me, and wanted me to be me, and didn't let me indulge my need to be needed, was incredibly empowering. And is probably a large part of the reason I now found myself actually contemplating my own dreams for the future - a future which may or may not involve a significant other. That's a new one for me, and it feels good. I do still like to be needed, and I'm unlikely to swing too far the other way, but anyhow I've learnt that 'I don't need you' is way sexier than 'I need you'. Well, a bit of both is good maybe :) Well, I’m a total sucker for feeling needed. But it turns out that being with someone who was totally fine without me, and wanted me to be me, and didn’t let me indulge my need to be needed, was incredibly empowering. And is probably a large part of the reason I now found myself actually contemplating my own dreams for the future - a future which may or may not involve a significant other. That’s a new one for me, and it feels good. I do still like to be needed, and I’m unlikely to swing too far the other way, but anyhow I’ve learnt that ‘I don’t need you’ is way sexier than ‘I need you’. Well, a bit of both is good maybe :)

]]> By: Amoebe http://bevear.org/2009/07/on-romance/#comment-1144 Amoebe Tue, 07 Jul 2009 07:39:47 +0000 http://bevear.org/?p=134#comment-1144 "pathological dependence, where one partner consistently uses their relationship to shield them from facing reality, so they don’t have to deal with challenges, can escape from responsibility, and consequently deny themselves the opportunity to grow" Ah, ok, I can understand that one. I still think that a bit of dependence on your partner is a good thing - if you truly didn't feel like you needed them (to be happy or whatever), why would you still be with them? “pathological dependence, where one partner consistently uses their relationship to shield them from facing reality, so they don’t have to deal with challenges, can escape from responsibility, and consequently deny themselves the opportunity to grow”

Ah, ok, I can understand that one. I still think that a bit of dependence on your partner is a good thing - if you truly didn’t feel like you needed them (to be happy or whatever), why would you still be with them?

]]> By: Nato http://bevear.org/2009/07/on-romance/#comment-1117 Nato Sat, 04 Jul 2009 12:59:46 +0000 http://bevear.org/?p=134#comment-1117 Yeah, the feelings thing is a good distinction to make. The statement "I couldn't live without you" may be an accurate representation of feelings and desires, and these should be expressed. Though I'd be more happy with the statement "I feel like I couldn't live without you", or "I don't want to face the world without you". Of course, in most situations where one would use such a phrase, one doesn't get points for thinking, but I think we should be aware of things, even if we don't acknowledge them at the time. With the dependence thing, I'd like to differentiate between legitimate interdependence, where partners enjoy each other and structure their lives around each other, and a pathological dependence, where one partner consistently uses their relationship to shield them from facing reality, so they don't have to deal with challenges, can escape from responsibility, and consequently deny themselves the opportunity to grow [Growth being the key end goal, hence being dependent on something one actually can't do isn't a bad thing, as being left to fail wouldn't be beneficial. Also the occasional break from things is fine, so long as it's not consistent, and not used as an escape from responsibility]. Lastly, I just want to clarify, I'm not saying that the relationships I see are like this, I'm just clarifying for myself what is good and isn't. Yeah, the feelings thing is a good distinction to make. The statement “I couldn’t live without you” may be an accurate representation of feelings and desires, and these should be expressed. Though I’d be more happy with the statement “I feel like I couldn’t live without you”, or “I don’t want to face the world without you”. Of course, in most situations where one would use such a phrase, one doesn’t get points for thinking, but I think we should be aware of things, even if we don’t acknowledge them at the time.

With the dependence thing, I’d like to differentiate between legitimate interdependence, where partners enjoy each other and structure their lives around each other, and a pathological dependence, where one partner consistently uses their relationship to shield them from facing reality, so they don’t have to deal with challenges, can escape from responsibility, and consequently deny themselves the opportunity to grow [Growth being the key end goal, hence being dependent on something one actually can't do isn't a bad thing, as being left to fail wouldn't be beneficial. Also the occasional break from things is fine, so long as it's not consistent, and not used as an escape from responsibility].

Lastly, I just want to clarify, I’m not saying that the relationships I see are like this, I’m just clarifying for myself what is good and isn’t.

]]> By: Kris http://bevear.org/2009/07/on-romance/#comment-1116 Kris Fri, 03 Jul 2009 21:01:43 +0000 http://bevear.org/?p=134#comment-1116 Hi Nato, Maybe its possible to overthink things? Sometimes we're stronger because we are dependent on someone else. I agree that we shouldn't ever hold our partner to be the most important thing in the world, but its ok to feel that way about them sometimes. Love is an emotion, as well as whatever else it is. Kris Hi Nato,

Maybe its possible to overthink things?

Sometimes we’re stronger because we are dependent on someone else.

I agree that we shouldn’t ever hold our partner to be the most important thing in the world, but its ok to feel that way about them sometimes. Love is an emotion, as well as whatever else it is.

Kris

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