Disagree, don’t Disapprove

August 3, 2008 | 9 comments

Behind every person there is a story. When people do or say something, it is part of an unfolding narrative that is their life. So, when a person thinks something, there are reasons for what they think, and we need to acknowledge that and accept them for it. If we disapprove of what someone thinks, then we ignore their story, we deny the reasons that have brought them their, and disapprove of them. It is for this reason that I suggest that when we disagree with what someone thinks, we should be hesitant to disapprove of it. We can disagree, but we should avoid disapproving.

Obviously, there are exceptions; for example, parents probably have some degree of responsibility to teach younger children, and may sometimes find it necessary to disapprove of some behaviors (but never disapproving the child), and likewise other authorities may need to ‘disapprove’ of certain behaviors. As a general rule, when an individual is harming other individuals (without their consent), we should disapprove of this.

So life is complex, there are a lot of exceptions, so I want to avoid making a blanket rule. If I say ‘never disapprove, except in the following circumstances…’, you’ll be bound to find some exception that I haven’t mentioned. Instead, I’ll just say:

When we disagree, we should be quicker to be supportive, than disapproving.

So, that’s my main thesis. I’d like to link this with a post Christina wrote a while ago - unfortunately, no-one made a significant reply (online) to it, so I want to correct that. What I’ve writing now isn’t directly in response to it, but it touches on similar issues. Maybe this is part of how we can connect with people who we don’t see eye to eye with? When we disapprove of the other side of the fence, the other side can feel it. When we’re disapproved, we can feel it. If we can’t accept the people on the other side, we’ll never be able to have reasonable interactions with them. Simply, it’s far better to be accepting than have all the right arguments, you may lose and argument or so, but you won’t lose the relationship.

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August 3, 2008 at 10:50 pm

Kris

Hi Nato,

Some thoughts. There is a difference between disapproving what someone thinks, and disapproving what someone does. There is probably a spectrum of positions on an issue that someone might hold, some being more worthy of disapproval than others. I don’t think it is wrong to disapprove of something someone thinks (as well as disagreeing with it). I do see that as different from disapproving of the person. I agree with you that different people may have reached the same belief from very different starting points. As one example, someone with a view we disagree with might have come to that view by moving from holding a belief that we disagree with even more.

I do think responding arrogantly to someone you disagree with is unlikely to help anyone, and is probably not much good for constructive discussion

In my experience, arrogance is something we all struggle with. (Christian or not, conservative, liberal or not). I think, though, that arrogance and looking down on others is antithetical to the core message of Christianity.

August 5, 2008 at 12:12 am

Nato

Good thoughts.

Yes, there can be differences between disapproving who someone is, what they do, and what they think. But the three are very much linked, both in reality and in the individuals own mind (meaning they may perceive disapproval of one as disapproval of all), so one should be cautious in disapproving of thoughts/behavior/people, and aim for humility and acceptance.

And yes, I would have to agree, Christianity ought to be about humility and acceptance. On my way to work this morning I was thinking about this topic, and Jesus’ acceptance of the woman caught in adultery. As Christians we should seek to copy this example.

August 5, 2008 at 11:10 pm

Fraser Dron